1 INT. ASYLUM LOBBY -
DAY
CUE GERMAN PUNK
MUSIC (Wizo).
SPOTLIGHT.
Lloyd is rocking back
and forth in a state of madness. A
bell rings as Agnes and Vivian enter from the door.
CUE DOORBELL, WHICH
STOPS PUNK MUSIC.
FULL
LIGHTS.
This shocks Lloyd, who
suddenly stands up and puts on a fake smile. Agnes barks from time to time throughout
this scene.
CUE RAIN
NOISE.
VIVIAN
Goodness, it is really coming down out there!
LLOYD
Welcome to Collingwood Insane Asylum. My name is Dr. Lloyd. And this must be
Agnes.
AGNES
The cows... Easy, Bessie, easy... No – you can’t eat me. No - I said no! No!
VIVIAN
Mmm-hmm. And I’m her sister,
Vivian. As I mentioned on the
phone, she’s quite delusional. You
will take good care of her, won’t you?
LLOYD
We give all our “guests” the best care possible.
Cries from
within.
VIVIAN
Did you hear something?
LLOYD
Oh, that’s just one of our guests answering the voices he hears. Nothing to worry
about.
VIVIAN
Agnes, is there anything you’d like to say before I go?
AGNES
The cows... they’re all around me... those angry, angry cows. They’re going to kill me! The cows... the
cows...
VIVIAN
Ok. Good luck. I know this place might seem strange,
but it’s for the best. I’ll see you
as soon as I can. A month or two at
the most. Please, Agnes. Try to get better. Don’t fret, I’ll be back
soon.
LLOYD
(suddenly on-edge)
Fret? What a strange choice
of words.
AGNES’S SISTER
Goodbye, Agnes. Get well,
and you’ll be able to leave this place.
Good day to you, Dr. Lloyd.
Take care of my Agnes...
LLOYD
(Overlaid with Vivian’s last sentence)
Fret fret fret fret fret fret fret.
CUE RAIN
NOISE.
Lloyd quickly shuts the
door on Vivian.
CUT
LIGHTS.
2 INT. ASYLUM HALL – DAY
LIGHTS
ON.
Lloyd escorts Agnes to
her cell. Chuck, Tiina and Alice
are contained within the cell.
ALL IN CELL
Help! Save us! We’re trapped! Set us free! Don’t let Dr.
Lloyd...
LLOYD
It’s of no use – she’s already left.
CHUCK
That was our first visitor in weeks! A chance to escape, and we missed
it.
LLOYD
(to himself, almost mockingly)
Don’t fret. Don’t
fret.
Lloyd pushes her
in. She is confronted with four
perfectly sane people wearing straight jackets.
LLOYD
I’ll be right back with the elixir, Agnes.
Exit
Lloyd.
TIINA
This must mean Lloyd has enough people to go through with his
“experimentation”.
ALICE
I wish we had some idea exactly what his “experimentation” will
be.
CHUCK
(to Agnes)
Hello there. Can you hear
me?
Agnes is staring off
into space.
ALICE
That’s pointless, Chuck.
She’s still quite mad.
AGNES
(slowly getting angry)
The cows... they’re floating... don’t turn your back to me, Bessie! Aaa! You’re hurting me. Ow! Ow! Ow! The cows!!
Agnes goes mad with
paranoia about the cows she is seeing.
The others try to hold her down.
Lloyd returns with an elixir.
LLOYD
Lick some of the elixir that’s now on your face. It’ll make you
better.
He hands her the
elixir. She drinks
it.
LLOYD
Now read this, Agnes. Read
this out loud.
He hands her a piece of
paper.
AGNES
(severely agitated)
The world is on its head, for I am mad,
But below my abuse lies a calm sea,
That calm, when found, will bring an altered lad,
Gone from Lucifer; my mind is set free.
Agnes immediately wakes
from her delusions.
AGNES
The ravenous cows... they’re gone!
I’m cured! No more will
those angry beasts disrupt my thoughts.
I’m sane again! Thank you so
much, Dr. Lloyd! How can I ever
repay you?
CHUCK
Don’t worry, you’ll be paying dearly for your sanity. Given the choice between madness and
captivity, I would certainly pick madness.
What good is a clear mind when you’re locked up in a cell and can’t use
it?
AGNES
But I’m cured! Surely I’m
free to go now...
LLOYD
I’m sorry, Agnes, but you can’t leave just yet. My master plan depends on having exactly
5 people, and now I finally have enough.
So before I let you go I’ll have to run
the...“experimentation”.
CHUCK
You’re crazy. I’m getting
out of here! I’ve had enough of
your loony plans, Doctor!
Chuck lunges at
Lloyd.
TIINA
No, Chuck!
Don’t...
Lloyd holds him back
with one hand and injects him with a needle with the other hand. Chuck collapses instantly, and falls
asleep.
LLOYD
Night, night, Chuck. I’ll
see you all in the morning.
Exit
Lloyd.
ALICE
Agnes, I’m afraid you’re trapped here, and for a very long time. Dr. Lloyd will never let us
leave.
AGNES
I don’t understand. You
people all seem to be in perfect mental health.
TIINA
We all are, thanks to Dr. Lloyd’s treatment. He developed it himself right here at
Collingwood.
ALICE
The combination of the elixir and mantra cures all mental illness. Only...
TIINA
Only Dr. Lloyd made the mistake of trying it out on himself first. It turns out that what makes the insane
sane...
AGNES
...Makes the sane insane.
How plausible. That poor
man!
TIINA
Dr. Lloyd has a very odd type of insanity. He is extremely paranoid about the use
of “peculiar” words. If someone
used a “peculiar” word, he would murder them. It wasn’t long before he had done away
with his entire staff.
ANGES
Well, then why hasn’t he killed us yet?
ALICE
(voice cracking with fear)
That’s the scariest part. He tells us he has “special plans” for
us.
TIINA
No one knows what his ultimate goal is. But all I can think about is how he
calls the ones who are already dead the “lucky ones”. And with you here, he can finally finish
his “experimentation”. I’m so
scared, I can’t sleep.
AGNES
“Special plans”. I can
scarcely wait.
CUT
LIGHTS.
3 INT.
ASYLUM LAB - DAY
LIGHTS
ON.
Lloyd escorts Alice to
a chair in the middle of the lab, and ties her up. He sets to work with his tools at a
bench beside the chair.
ALICE
What creepy test are you going to conduct today?
Lloyd holds up various
instruments in reference to his speech.
LLOYD
You’ll be glad to know the probing stage is complete. Today I’ll be measuring your brainpan
with these tongs.
I’m almost ready to conduct the “experimentation”, you know. Just a few more
parts...
Lloyd measures Alice’s
brainpan with tongs.
ALICE
Doctor Lloyd, your patients would really like to know exactly what you’re
almost ready for. (Beat.) Does it involve
us?
LLOYD
Oh, yes. Most
definitely.
ALICE
(emphasis on ”portentous”, the peculiar word)
Well tell us! You’ve kept us
here against our will for months now.
I’ve been in here so long, I don’t even know what season it is
anymore. It’s portentous that you
let us leave...
Alice realizes that she
used a peculiar word.
ALICE
No, Dr. Lloyd – that was a mistake. I didn’t mean to use a peculiar
word. Really, no, please,
no...
Alice’s voice is cut as
the needle paralyses her vocal cords.
LLOYD
(angry)
Portentous? With
eye-offending brine: all this to season.
Lloyd injects Alice
with a needle that prevents her from speaking.
CUT
LIGHTS.
4 INT. ASYLUM CELL -
EVENING
LIGHTS ON.
The guests sit in the
cell. Lloyd throws Alice back in.
LLOYD
Perhaps some paralysed vocal cords will teach you not to talk like
that. This time, it’s not
permanent.
CUE
THUNDER.
LLOYD
Almost time. Almost
time.
Exit Lloyd. Alice is gasping to try to say
something
TIINA
What is it, Alice?
CHUCK
I think she’s holding something... it almost...
Alice gives up and
shows them: she has a set of keys.
CHUCK
Oh my god, you pinched the doc’s keys! We can finally escape this mad
asylum! At last, we have a prospect
to leave. Good work,
Alice!
TIINA
C’mon, let’s get out of this horrid cell. I want to breathe fresh air
again.
AGNES
Maybe we should think about this first. If Dr. Lloyd caught us, he would murder
us! This is just me, but I’d rather
breathe stale asylum air than not breathe at all.
ALICE
(regaining her voice)
He’s kept us alive this long for a reason. He needs us for something. Let’s leave before we have to find out
what.
AGNES
You people have been in this place too long, your minds aren’t working
right. We’re going to get caught if
we leave, Dr. Lloyd knows this place too well. I’m staying here.
TIINA
Agnes, it’s not nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune. Let’s take arms against
our sea of troubles...
AGNES
And by opposing, end them.
Exeunt!
Exeunt.
BLACKOUT.
5 INT. DR. LLOYD’S OFFICE -
NIGHT
LIGHTS
ON.
Enter Chuck, Alice,
Agnes and Tiina.
CHUCK
(exasperated)
How the heck do we get out of this place? We’ve gotta hurry, he’s going to find
us!
AGNES
There are so many corridors... and they all look the
same.
TIINA
This looks like Dr. Lloyd’s office!
Tiina goes up to the
desk, and begins looking through papers.
ALICE
Tiina, get away from there!
That’s not helping us find the exit.
CHUCK
We’d better keep moving – He’s probably discovered we’re missing by
now.
TIINA
(reading)
“A Play of Preposterous Proportions - by Dr. Vincent
Lloyd.”
ALICE
Why would Dr. Lloyd be writing a play?
Lloyd enters
inconspicuously.
LLOYD
(suddenly)
Why indeed!
AGNES
Gasp!
CHUCK
Egad!
ALICE
Gad zukes!
TIINA
(high-pitched and drawn out)
Oh no!
LLOYD
It appears that you’ve uncovered my plans a little prematurely. It is of no consequence, however, since
you are still my captives and cannot escape to tell a
soul.
AGNES
What is so sinister about writing a play?
LLOYD
As you are all no doubt aware, after my elixir drove me mad, I developed
an intense hatred of peculiar words.
After much killing, I came to realize that I was only killing the
messengers – I should go after the source.
CHUCK
The dictionary?
LLOYD
(cringes as he says each peculiar word)
Don’t be foolish, Chuck. No
one actually reads the dictionary!
No, the source of all these peculiar words is none other than the bard
himself, Mr. William Shakespeare.
Between “thee” and “thou”, and “yonder” and “partake”, it’s more than
enough to drive a mad man mad!
TIINA
Sorry, Dr. Lloyd. You’re
trying to murder a ghost.
Shakespeare’s been dead for 400 years!
LLOYD
Yes, he is dead. His plays,
however, are alive and well. I have
to eliminate them all so as to stop the spread of all those peculiar words. Thus I have decided the only way to stop
people from reading his plays is to write even better ones. We must become the new
Shakespeare!
CHUCK
What do you mean, we?
LLOYD
Oh, you’ll all find out quite soon enough. Ha ha ha ha ha!
The others nervously
join in with his laughing. Soon,
they’re all laughing hysterically, until Lloyd screams one final “ha” at them
and they suddenly fall into an intimidated silence.
LLOYD
Now, if you’ll all come with me, I can begin the
“experimentation”.
CHUCK
I don’t think so, Shakespeare!
With that, Chuck lunges
at Lloyd.
LLOYD
I’m afraid that syringe was filled with a little bit more than you’re
used to, Chuck.
ALL
Gasp!
Tiina kneels down
beside Chuck.
TIINA
Chuck!
CHUCK
In faith, my hand meant nothing to my sword.
LLOYD
How sad.
Chuck dies. The women run out of the room. Lloyd drags Chuck out of the scene.
CUE
THUNDER.
Lloyd finds another
needle from his desk, squirts some liquid from it into the air. The women reappear from the other
side.
ALICE
(looking back)
Girls, quick – the exit’s gotta be this way.
But Lloyd is right in
from of her.
LLOYD
Ladies, if you’ll come with me with minimal fuss, I’d greatly appreciate
it. For you see, we have precious
little time!
CUE
THUNDER.
Lloyd escorts the
ladies out.
BLACKOUT.
6 INT. ASYLUM LAB -
NIGHT
LIGHTS
ON.
Chuck, Tiina, Agnes and
Alice have their heads tied together, in the middle of the lab. Lloyd is preparing equipment at a
table.
AGNES
(anxious)
What are you going to do to us, Dr. Lloyd?
LLOYD
I suppose now is the time to finally tell you what I’m going to do with
you. I have created an invention
that makes my insanity-be-gone elixir pale in comparison. The Quintuple Brain Fusion!
Lights flicker as Lloyd
plugs in the Brain Fuser.
ALL
Gasp!
LLOYD
That’s right. For five
hundred years men have yearned to concoct a play as good as Hamlet, or King
Lear. They have all failed. But where they were failures, we will
succeed. With five...four minds all
working as one, we will defeat Shakespeare and his retched plays. If you’ll pardon the pun, the stage is
set for Shakespeare’s final demise!
AGNES
You won’t succeed, Dr. Lloyd!
Everyone loves Shakespeare.
And you’ll never be able to write a play as good as his
were.
LLOYD
Sorry, Agnes. Arguing only
agitates the mind, and that will hurt the fusion process. Quiet, all of you! Quiet!
A long
pause.
ALICE
Dr. Lloyd, I think I’m going to be sick. I need something to
drink.
LLOYD
You’ll live, Alice. Your
futile ploy to get me to untie you won’t work.
TIINA
Alice gets sick all the time.
You know that, Dr. Lloyd. If
you don’t let her go, she’ll make a mess of all your fancy
equipment.
LLOYD
I’m not a fool! You may
go. But I’ll warn you now: If you
try to escape, I’ll murder these two so their deaths will be on your
head!
ALICE
I’ll be back straight away.
I promise.
Lloyd loosens the
straps on Alice. She leaves. Beat.
TIINA
You know, Agnes, those clothes you’re wearing look very... sinewy... on
you.
LLOYD
(to himself)
Sinewy... that’s a strange word.
AGNES
Yes, they are quite... sinewy.
LLOYD
Sinewy... sinewy... stop it!
TIINA
Almost too sinewy, I’d say.
LLOYD
(breaking down)
Stop... using... peculiar... words!
Sinewy sinewy sinewy sinewy sinewy sinewy!
Lloyd starts writing
the word out on the chalkboard.
Re-enter Alice. She picks up
a needle and approaches Lloyd, who has his back to Alice.
ALICE
Take THAT, you sinewy bastard!
With that, Alice stabs
the needle into Lloyd’s back. He
collapses.
LLOYD
Myself by with a needle, that I might prick. How wrong I was.
Lloyd dies. Alice unties the
girls.
CUE
SIRENS.
ALICE
That must be the police. I
called them on Dr. Lloyd’s office phone.
Enter officer. He surveys the
situation.
OFFICER
My, my, my. The kindly old
warden of Collingwood insane asylum, brutally murdered in cold blood by his
escaped mental patients!
ALICE
But officer, he was trying to fuse our brains
together!
OFFICER
Yep, looks like you’ll be going to a real prison now. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
AGNES
Really, we didn’t do anything wrong! It was all self
defence!
The officer shushes
each syllable Agnes makes.
OFFICER
Take it to the judge, ladies; I don’t want to hear it. But here’s some free legal advice: When you get to court, I think you
should plead insanity!
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTS
ON.
Curtain
call.
BLACKOUT.
- END –